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To Whom It May Concern:
When I was young and asked my traditional, Korean parents where babies came from, they awkwardly hesitated and answered, “God.”
If my future children ask me the same question, I may jokingly answer, “Freezer.” If we’re looking for silver linings here, I will have no awkward hesitations on my end.
Since chemotherapy is so potent, it has the potential to affect one’s fertility. Therefore, egg freezing is recommended before starting chemotherapy. I’ve spoken to one young woman with breast cancer who underwent chemotherapy, and she was able to conceive naturally without using her frozen eggs! On the other hand, I’ve spoken to another young woman with breast cancer who underwent chemotherapy, and she ended up using her frozen eggs since her fertility was impacted. Everyone’s cancer journey and body is different. Since nothing is certain, my care team advised me to freeze my eggs prior to my first round of chemotherapy as a precautionary measure.
On the day of my diagnosis, I retained maybe 3 things my breast surgeon explained to me, and egg freezing was one of them. I was shocked to my inner core when she told me egg freezing would be the first major step in my cancer journey. I could not believe I was going to freeze my eggs in my late twenties. As a rising professional in New York City, family planning was never at the forefront of my priorities until my diagnosis.
Those who know me well know that I’m career-driven. I am passionate about my job, and that’s the sole reason I packed my bags and moved back to New York. However, that doesn’t mean being a mother was never part of my future plan. I’ve always dreamed of being a young mother and starting a family. I’ve always wanted 2-3 kids who I could shower with love, spoil rotten, and fatten up with homemade Korean food.
As a result of completing the egg freezing process, I think about my future children a lot. In all honesty, I can’t help but feel anxious. As a cancer survivor, I face new fears. I’m scared I’ll be incapable of conceiving my own children. If I have to resort to using my frozen eggs, I’m scared I’ll have to blow a shit ton of money per attempt. I’m scared of recurrence and not being fully present for my children. I’m most terrified of saying goodbye to my children at any given time. Although it gives me anxiety, I will continue to give these emotions my middle finger, just like I did to cancer, and I will do everything in my power to start a family in the future if given the opportunity.
My friends ask me what the egg freezing process was like, and I usually describe it using the following 3 adjectives: rigorous, strange, and lonely.
- Rigorous. The surgical procedure of getting my eggs retrieved was only 15-30 minutes; however, the process prior to the surgery was intense. It entailed 10 days of daily hormone injections at home to stimulate my ovaries. The purpose of hormone injections is to produce multiple eggs in one menstrual cycle, instead of the single egg ovaries would typically produce. During these 10 days, I also took daily fertility pills to reduce estrogen production from my ovaries thereby minimizing any worsening of breast cancer and allowing for a higher number of eggs to be harvested. During this 10-day period, I went to the fertility clinic every other day, and then eventually every day, for monitoring visits where the clinical team would assess my hormone levels, size of my multiple eggs, and overall progress via ultrasounds and blood draws.
- Strange. Fertility preservation does not feel normal for a young woman in her twenties who is not truly ready for family planning. Going through this process was especially strange because I was newly diagnosed and was feeling as shocked as ever. What I was doing physically (injections, pills, ultrasounds, fertility clinic visits, invasive procedures, blood draws, tests) didn’t match what I was feeling mentally (shock). The strangeness was overbearing, so I remember operating on autopilot.
- Lonely. Paul and I were nearing our two-year anniversary of going steady around the time I was diagnosed. I didn’t want to be that crazy, psycho girlfriend talking about future children with a man who didn’t put a ring on it. Although Paul was there for me every step and every second of my cancer journey, this is the one part of my journey I asked to tackle on my own. I didn’t want to put any pressure on Paul since we had a long journey ahead. Also, I knew I would feel weird going to the fertility clinic with someone who was not my official husband, so I made the personal choice to go to the fertility clinic on my own and inject myself privately in the restroom. Additionally, none of my family members live in New York City, and all of my local friends are busy, career-driven rising professionals who didn’t have open availability to accompany me to the fertility clinic every day. I couldn’t help but feel alone.
What got me through the rigorousness, strangeness, and loneliness was this: I held on to my dream of being a mother. With each self-injection, with each pill, with each ultrasound, with each blood draw, with each visit to the fertility clinic, with each invasive procedure, I thought of my future children and did it for them. They were my motivation. I was reminded of my parent’s unconditional love for me, the measures they went through for me, and their insurmountable sacrifices to ensure I had a blessed life. Preserving my fertility gave me a small snapshot of what being a parent truly means. If I make it far enough and have the opportunity to successfully give birth, I want my future children to know they were thought of, loved, and fought for long before they were conceived. My future children may come from a freezer, but that will never change the fact that they will be made with a whole lot of love (and a little bit of science).
If you were newly diagnosed with breast cancer and made the decision to freeze your eggs, I want to leave you with some words of hype. These are words I wish I heard before going through the process:
- Fight through the rigorousness, strangeness, and loneliness that you may feel. If you are like me and dream of becoming a mother someday, you can move forward knowing you did everything possible to achieve your dream of creating a kick ass family. Fight for your future children. Fight for a bright future. Fight for yourself. You can do it.
- Since egg freezing wasn’t a hot topic or interest of mine pre-cancer, I didn’t realize how common this procedure is, especially amongst single or career-driven women in New York City. I was so surprised when I found out that some of my friends and colleagues in my immediate network got their eggs frozen in their early thirties. Someone I know froze her eggs in her mid-twenties because she wanted to donate them to parents in need. How awesome is she?! Although egg freezing may not feel normal and ultimately lonely, keep in mind that so many women get their eggs frozen for various reasons.
- I was diagnosed with breast cancer as a healthy young woman with zero genetic mutations and family history, and I couldn’t help but feel like damaged goods. Knowing that chemotherapy could potentially affect my fertility made me feel even more broken. I didn’t realize this then, but looking back, I realized that infertility is a common issue amongst women who are not impacted by cancer as well. It’s a real thing. It’s even a theme eloquently portrayed in The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood. If you also feel the same feelings I felt, I want to encourage you not to feel so broken. It never hurts to be proactive with your fertility whether you’ve been diagnosed with cancer or not, and it’s always wise to be safe than sorry!
- At the time, the whole process felt so invasive and intense. I wish I could tell my old self to be more thankful for the advanced technology and medicine that’s out there. If the chemotherapy indeed makes me infertile, I wouldn’t stand a chance to start a family if it wasn’t for these advancements. If I have the opportunity to start planning for a family in the future, I know I’ll look back with no regrets and be glad that I froze my eggs. Instead of being thankful now and later, I wish I had this insight before and during the process.
- I’ve always wanted to be a young mom. I am at the age where the majority of my friends are getting married and having children. I had my fair share of self-pity parties where I would compare myself to my peers. Factually, cancer put a lot of my life plans on hold. My breast cancer was hormone positive (ER+/PR+/HER2-), so my oncologist recommended 10 years of ongoing hormone therapy/ovarian suppression post chemotherapy treatment. If I want to have children, I was advised to complete approximately 5 years of consecutive hormone therapy before trying to conceive. After giving birth, I would then resume the remaining years of hormone therapy. Cancer taught me to keep my eyes on my own prizes and no one else’s. Everyone’s life is different. Everyone’s journey is different. Everyone’s timing is different. Although it may be challenging not to compare yourself to your peers, it’s most important to focus on your own path and most importantly your health. I later realized that being a healthy mom is so much more important than being a young mom.
I hope this blog post helps! Have you frozen your eggs?
Breast regards,
Michelle
