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To Whom It May Concern:
I GOT RID OF MY HAIR BEFORE CANCER COULD!
I thought long and hard about what I wanted to do with my hair before starting chemotherapy. After a lot of back and forth, I decided to shave my head before my first round of chemo and donate my hair to Locks of Love.
I made a promise to myself to be open and honest about my cancer journey on this platform, so I’m going to say something that I’ve never really shared publicly before:
I honestly dreaded shaving my head more than undergoing aggressive cancer treatment.
There, I said it.
What you don’t see in these pictures are the breakdowns and grieving the days leading up to the shave. What you also don’t see in these pictures is me trying my very best to hold back my tears at the salon.
Throughout my journey, I often heard, “Don’t hold back your tears.” I do believe in this statement because bottling your emotions is not healthy. However, I’m unapologetically proud that I held back my tears during this particular moment, the moment in my journey I feared the most.
Although I didn’t feel this or realize this back then, there was so much power in going bald on my own terms because I didn’t want cancer to take my hair. And there was even more power in holding back my tears in that particular moment because I didn’t want cancer to take my tears too.
Don’t get me wrong. Crying doesn’t mean you’re weak. I gave cancer enough of my tears the days leading up to the shave, and I chose in that moment to not give cancer any more.
There are moments during our cancer journeys where we can take back our power and do things on our own terms — don’t ever forget that! Below are different options I considered for my hair before chemotherapy:
1. Shave my head before chemotherapy and donate my hair to a child in need
2. Try to preserve as much hair as possible by using a cold cap during every round of chemotherapy
3. Cut my hair incrementally before and during chemotherapy
4. Do nothing and let it fall out naturally
Everyone is different, and there is no right or wrong decision! Below is a list of 10 personal thoughts and reasons that led me to my final decision:
1. I wanted to control when I lost my hair and do it under my own terms, not cancer’s terms.
2. I did not want to endure the trauma of seeing clumps of long hair in my hand, on my pillow, and in the shower drain.
3. I did not want to cut my hair in increments and make frequent trips to the hair salon in between my rounds of chemotherapy while feeling sick.
4. I wanted to donate my long, healthy hair to Locks of Love and help a child in need.
5. I had REALLY thick hair, and my oncologist told me that the cooling cap would most likely preserve only 50-60% of my hair. I did not want uneven hair in the hair loss and hair regrowth periods.
6. I absolutely cannot stand the cold, and I did not want to inflict even more suffering by wearing a cold cap for every 14 rounds of chemotherapy.
7. If Britney Spears, Natalie Portman, Millie Bobby Brown, and Bonnie from Friends can shave their heads, so can I.
8. Wig technology has improved immensely over the years. I got human hair wigs with lace fronts and wore hats and headbands to ensure a natural aesthetic. No one could tell I was wearing a wig!
9. Although this barely helped, my hair would grow back.
10. Hair does not define beauty. Character does.
Breast regards,
Michelle
P.S. My next blog post will be an entry from my personal diary that I wrote back in 2020. I wrote about what it was really like to lose my hair, the emotions that came along with being bald, and my lessons learned. Stay tuned!
