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To Whom It May Concern:
Episode 6 in my F*** Cancer F*** Fear Series is called, “Prevent Deja Vu,” and I want to start off with a core memory in my cancer journey.
Right after I heard my doctor say, “you have breast cancer,” I was asked to go down to the third floor and get a MRI scan so my care team could further assess my prognosis.
At this moment, no one knew what stage my cancer was, and I had no idea how much time I would have left to live.
When you’re in a MRI machine for your breasts, you’re stuck in the machine in a dark room all by yourself, face down, for almost 1 hour.
I talk about this all the time, but I will never forget how sad, dark, and alone I felt in this very moment. Since I didn’t know what my future held, I couldn’t help but look back at the 27 years of my life and think “I have so much more to live, and there are a lot of things I set out to do but didn’t.” On top of feeling sad, dark, and alone in that MRI machine, I truthfully felt a lot of regret.
When the fear of recurrence brings me to a really dark place, I hypothetically put myself in the future and think of the worst case scenario: “Let’s say breast cancer does come back and you’re asked to get another MRI. When you’re in that future MRI machine, will you have deja vu and have the same thoughts like the first time and regret not going after the things you set out to do?”
I will never know what my future holds, so this truly fuels me to prevent deja vu, go after my passions, live a life with less worrying, and make my present time count.
I find that this thought process helps me most when I’m sick and tired of worrying and when I feel extremely peeved by (1) the high level of distress the fear has caused me and (2) the crazy amount of time the fear has wasted.
“Prevent Deja Vu” was really hard for me to apply when I was a new survivor because the fear was way too fresh, but now, it’s (sometimes not always) enough for me to give fear my middle finger and go about my day.
I hope this empowers you to conquer fear little by little and truly live your life to the utmost fullest!
Breast regards,
Michelle
P.S. The 8 episodes in my F*** Cancer F*** Fear series are linked below:
Episode 3: We Have Different DNA
Episode 4: Your Doctor and the Red Devil
